Kinship Caregiving: You Are Definitely Not Alone.

Kinship Caregiving: You Are Definitely Not Alone.: How many kinship caregivers are out there in the U.S. right now? It is a difficult number to measure and more difficult to define. If you ...

You Are Definitely Not Alone.

How many kinship caregivers are out there in the U.S. right now? It is a difficult number to measure and more difficult to define. If you include part-time kinship caregivers- a grandparent or other family member who helps fill in because a child's parent is deceased, incarcerated, or uninvolved, the numbers reach almost 8 million children!

I found the information below on the Generations United website: (thttp://www2.gu.org/OURWORK/Grandfamilies/GrandfamiliesStatistics.aspx)

The Grandchildren

• 7.8 million children live in households headed by grandparents or other relatives. These households include those both those where the children's parents may or may not be present.
• 2.7 million children (4%) of all U.S. children are being raised in grandfamilies or kinship care situations.

The Grandparents

• 2.7 million grandparents are responsible for most of the basic needs of their grandchildren.
• 60% of these grandparent caregivers are in the workforce.
• 21% live below the poverty line.
• 36% have provided care for the children for more than 5 years.
• Grandfamilies save tax payers more than $6.5 billion each year by keeping children out of foster care.

So as you can see, you really are not alone.  And yet, when I meet with a kinship family in therapy  for the first time, I am often struck by how alone and isolated these families are. How they don't know any other families like their own and they usually say it's because they are just too tired or too overwhelmed to find and make these connections.  

Sometimes, I believe kinship families live for years in shock. Shock that their kinship kids' mom or dad has disappeared, or died, or gone to jail. Sometimes, they didn't even know the child existed. After they dig themselves out of the initial shock, it is all they can do just to keep their heads above water.  

But making connections with others, even just one another kinship caregiver, can have incredible benefits to mental health. In my community, there are support groups for kinship caregivers. There are also loads of online groups and resources and if you can't manage getting out to an actual group, or there isn't one in your community, think about plugging in. 

Feeling more connected can make you less critical of yourself, find an outlet for your grief, and maybe even playmates for your kinship kid.  

Try these online resources first, both have comprehensive lists of fact sheets and info on each state:


www.grandsplace.org
www.gu.org

No matter where you live, if you are in a kinship caregiving relationship, feel free to email me. I am happy to help you locate resources in your own community.

Karen N. Chaudhry, LCSW is a therapist who is committed to supporting children and families in kinship relationships. She sees teens, individuals, couples, and families in Northern Virginia. Visit her website at: www.thriveandchange.com

Happy New Year Kinship Caregivers!

The New Year is upon us, Christmas and Hanukkah are over and we are in the middle of Kwaanza.  I hope that all of you had many blessings during this holiday season and that the new year brings hope and love.

Karen Chaudhry, LCSW

www.thriveandchange.com

The Negative Things Kinship Parents Tell Themselves

All parents engage in negative self-talk from time-to-time. It can range from a simple "I should have..." to a more complicated, "If I don't get control of this behavior now, this kid will never graduate high school, get addicted to drugs, and end up in jail."

Although this kind of negative self-message can happen to any parent, kinship parents have bigger fears and sometimes fears they feel are justified.  The child's parents may really be addicted or in jail. The fear you have about the child you are raising can seem all too possible. But before you talk yourself in believing this negative Nelly in your head, consider looking critically at these messages. Take a few deep breaths, a mental time-out and refrain from going to that dark place.

Some of the common messages kinship caregivers often tell themselves are:

I made too many mistakes parenting the first time and my kid ended up in jail (or addicted, or homeless, etc) and so this time, I must be the perfect parent.  This time around, you are an experienced parent. You may know more about what you don't want to do and what kind of parent you don't want to be but no one, even experts in parenting, are perfect parents.  There is just no such thing. Give yourself a break and let yourself off the perfectionistic hook. You didn't plan on raising this child and you are doing the best you can.  You are trying really, really hard.  You are providing love and stability and a home with a family member. Expecting that all to be perfect isn't helping anyone, least of all you.

Things should be much better by now. The child you are raising may have been with you for a few years now. You are in a routine and it seems like, by now, he should be sleeping better and acting out less. You should feel less exhausted and life should be more predictable.  One thing that may help this negative self-talk is to remember the very early days when the child was placed with you.  Was he acting out in school every day then? Crying every night? Was the bedtime routine absolutely horrible and now just mildly irritating? Every little success is a success, no matter how small it is.  When you hit a really bumpy patch think back to where you were. And if things really don't seem any better, look at trying to add more supports.

I can't do this anymore!  There may be days, many days, when this thought creeps into your head. You are exhausted and overwhelmed and you really think you can't do it.  It's important not to make this fear known to the child you are raising.  This is when you need what I call a 'hotline' friend.  That one friend (and if you are lucky you have two or three) who knows exactly what you are going through and will just listen and let you vent.  Hopefully you have met a friend who is also raising a relative's child who knows exactly where you are.  If not, a best friend or someone who is an old friend who has known you a long time and is unconditionally supportive, will work.

If you are really at the end of your rope, look at adding some support. Try the kinship care support group in your area if there is one. If not, consider starting one. Talk to a trusted member of your religious community, gather together a couple of neighbors, or call your local mental health agency. Get some respite for yourself. Asking for help is a brave first start to creating a more stable, more peaceful life for you and the child you are raising.

For an online community, check out: www.grandsplace.org.  They have nightly chats where you can vent, get advice and support.  

www.thriveandchange.com

Finding Support for Those Difficult Emotions

Caring for a child you did not expect to parent is one of the most stressful events a person can face. Typically, when entering kinship care it is because your family member has died, is incarcerated, is addicted or mentally ill.  Having to care for a family member's child brings significant challenges and emotions and they include:

Grief. Yours and the grief of the child you are raising.  The child is likely longing for her parent.  If her parent is still addicted and/or mentally ill, and is still involved in your lives, it can be difficult for everyone.  

Resentment. You may resent the person who can't parent.  You may even resent the child, which feels irrational.  Either way, it is a difficult emotion and takes time to sort through.

Anxiety. You may be anxious about what the future holds for you and the child.  If you are older and near retirement, you may have put your retirement on hold.  Finances may cause anxiety or if you have health concerns, that may be a worry as well.

So what can you do with these feelings?  Realize they are typical for someone in your situation.  Find a support group and attend.  Talk with a therapist who understands. Find support through extended family or your faith organization.  And check out online support groups such as www.grandsplace.org.

Whatever you do, reach out to others. Feeling connected to others in your situation can be incredibly helpful.

Look for support groups in your area.  In some areas of the country, kinship caregivers have rich resources for support. In my county, there are support groups and wonderful resources for kinship caregivers.  Check out http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/dfs/kinship/.  They offer free childcare for attendees.  

www.thriveandchange.com

Explaining Kinship Relationships

It is inevitable that at some point, the child you are raising will be asked a question by another child that is uncomfortable for her -- a question about her ‘real‘ mom and dad. These questions are not only uncomfortable, they can also trigger painful feelings for a child as the child, is reminded about her missing parent and confused about how to answer.

Assess the situation. Practicing this kind of conversation can help. First, talk about the question in context of the situation. For example, someone in line at the grocery store or a kid you run into on the playground really don’t need an answer. The child can choose to ignore the question or simply walk away. It is unlikely someone in this situation will press for an answer; but if one does and you are there, you can quickly jump in and change the subject.

Assess the relationship. If the question is asked by a classmate during class or by a neighborhood friend during a playdate, it may be more difficult to deflect. Talk with the child about quickly assessing the relationship with that particular friend before answering. Is this a trusted friend? Would it feel okay to share a little about the family situation with this friend? If the child is unsure, it might be worthwhile to practice saying something like, “I can’t live with my mother right now, and I really don’t want to talk about it.” Hopefully, the other child will get the message and move on.

Practice makes perfect. Assisting the child with coming up with ‘canned’ answers will help her keep composure and continue her play or school work. Unfortunately, there will be times when ‘that’ kid just won’t let it go. An emotional reaction is inevitable, and being there to help the child process what happened will likely fall on you. Listen and empathize during the painful fallout, and then remind the child to keep her planned responses in place. They will work most of the time and having a plan feels much safer than winging it.

A Whole Big Suitcase of Emotions

Kinship Caregiving can create a myriad of mixed emotions for the caregiver.  Emotions such as guilt, shame, and resentment are common.  One thing to remember is that all emotions are valid and whether or not they are rational, they are yours.  If you name them and own them, you are on your way to dealing with them in a healthy way so that they are less likely to interfere with your parenting. Here are some emotions common to kinship caregiving:

Resentment- towards the parent who is not able or willing to care for their child. And, sometimes, towards the child. This really isn't rational for kinship caregivers and it feels strange to resent the child- who has done nothing wrong. But it is common and it happens, and if you feel that way you aren't alone.

Guilt- if your biological child is the one who won't or can't parent. You may feel guilty and blame yourself, because you feel you weren't an adequate parent. Guilt that you aren't able to give the time you would like to the child you are raising due to other obligations.  Guilt that you aren't able to give as much time and attention now to your biological children or to grandchildren you aren't raising.

Sadness- for the child.  When the child misses their parent, and longs for them and they aren't available.  If their parent has been gone a while or has died, you might be grieving yourself.

Fear- about something happening to you- creating another loss for the child.

Anger- about what others say; extended family- people in the grocery store, teachers, or others in your community.  Anger that no one seems to really understand what you and your family are going through. Anger that you have to explain who you are to the child and how you are related.

Joy- when the child you are raising lights up the room with a grin, a silly laugh, or a funny face.

These are only a handful of emotions you may be feeling. Remember again, they are all valid.  Talking with a trusted therapist may help.  A kinship care support group might be helpful too.  Remember to be gentle on yourself and keep your expectations, for yourself, in check.